In all honesty I don’t know where this blog will go….. I am simply going to write my thoughts as truthfully as I can. If these words resonate with you, I thank you.
A few months ago I moved to a new town, and I had such high hopes that amazing things were going to happen. I have always loved this area, had lived here before and had always harboured the desire to come back. I felt so blessed to have the opportunity to return and had such a positive outlook to life when we moved.
Amazing things have happened. My children are settled and very happy as they share their time with my ex-husband and myself, and both are enjoying school in ways they never did previously. We live in a child friendly neighbourhood and I started to focus on continuing to establish a content writing business, which I had begun in our previous city. I was certain I was going to succeed in all areas of my life. Family, work, friendships.
It is the latter I want to write about. Friendships. Although I have no issue with spending time alone, loneliness has recently become my companion. It’s a hard thing to admit, not only to yourself but to the others. But admit it I must. How can I move forward if I am not brutally honest? I have been desperately lonely and I have struggled with motivation as I have found it hard to connect with others. I like to raise others up, and have found that it has been me who has needed raising recently, and I simply haven’t been able to do that for myself.
How can this paradigm of loneliness change to create a sense of community that I believe everyone needs to thrive?
As I have looked deeply into the mirror of self-reflection I see that when I most need to reach out to others, I have withdrawn. I have judged harshly instead of supporting others to be their authentic selves. But mostly I have judged myself as being unworthy of deep and abiding friendships. Years of being hurt by those who I have trusted have taken their toll. I know that I have also hurt others too. As I learn to forgive I hope to be forgiven too.
I have touched the very parts of myself I haven’t wanted to truly recognise. And I have seen the parts of myself that need nurturing into wholeness.
I do believe that being lonely can lead to an inner strength that you have no idea exists. I do believe it can lead to being more compassionate of others as you can relate to struggles with a huge depth of feeling. And I believe it can lead to being truly grateful for all that life offers in ways unimaginable. I love seeing others happy and succeeding. I love having random conversations with strangers. I love witnessing others smiling and thriving. I love the time I get to spend with my children and the occasions I have with my extended blood family. And I am deeply grateful for the love I receive from those who have stayed by my side, even if they do not live close to me, via the telephone and social media.
One thing I have learnt within this loneliest of times is that you truly have to be your own best friend. You have to love exactly who you are and shine your light within, as well as outwardly. You have to embrace all of your being, even those bits that make you cringe. You have to stop negative self talk and replace wounding words those of kind assurance. I have been hiding under a cloud of shame, the shame of being lonely, but I now reach up to the light and break through those clouds as I express my feelings through these words as I name this deep fear.
New beginnings do come from painful endings. Sometimes those new beginnings can also be full of pain too. I have faith that this phase will pass. I will meet new people, create networks and become a great friend to others. I’m sure my Tribe is out there, just waiting for me to connect. I will continue to reach out, help others where I can, and have the hope that it is never too late to change the story of our lives.
My wish is to thrive. To succeed in those areas of life that will bring the most good. So, here’s to Friendships. Family. Fulfilling work. Kind regard. Being brave and getting out of the bubble of loneliness. And ultimately, here’s to unconditional love for self and others.